It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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