Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
