Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
