I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
