If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Drunk is not a location!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize