I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I need a beard to bite.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
