I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
