I wish my penis had an off switch
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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