When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Is Oprah even human
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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