A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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