Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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