My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
