Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
