I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
