So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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