How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
