you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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