You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
