I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
