Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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