The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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