ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
barbara walters just said penis...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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