is your mom at the bar?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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