I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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