Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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