Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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