She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
