but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i think my cat just said my name.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
