Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
