I just threw up on my dentist
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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