history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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