seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
