I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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