the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
