Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize