so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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