that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize