I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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