i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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