I must be too annoying 4 u.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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