well I can't set my house on fire every night
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
