Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
