I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
