Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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