My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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