his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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