remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
