I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
