I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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