By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Text me some of your sweat
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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