when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
