are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
