I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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