I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
