nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I need water and some morals
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
