Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
