I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
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