I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We left the knife in your bed.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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