Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
