Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
