I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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