Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
