happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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