i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
