my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize