i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
