I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize