Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
