dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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